What could I have done?
What should I have done?
Why couldn’t I save him ?
I’m her mother . . . I’m supposed to fix things that go wrong . . . where did I fail?
The litany of questions after losing a child is a recurring and relentless angst over how, as parents, we could lose this precious life we have been given to nurture and protect. It is unthinkable. And yet, it is impossible not to go into that abyss of questions and be battered about by the blame of it all. In most cases, we know it doesn’t make any sense, but “sense” doesn’t impact the heart. So we struggle to come to grips with questions that have no answers.
One idea that has helped me is the courage of the partial.
In other words, knowing we do not have full control over any situation and knowing we aren’t knowledgeable enough to make the perfect decision every time . . . . still, we summon the courage to do our best in the moment. That is all any of us can do. Our love isn’t measured by whether we do the right thing . . . only that we do the most loving thing we can in the moment. The rest of what happens is not up to us. The courage of the partial is to have the strength and wisdom to act and speak without knowing what the ultimate outcome will be. . . . and perhaps, to accept that knowing the ultimate outcome isn’t even ours to know.
Buddhist would say that there is no perfect place to reach, no final act that makes all the difference . . . there is only now and doing what is loving in this moment. Judeo-Christians would say that God takes our efforts and makes them whole . . . sometimes in ways we cannot imagine, but there is trust in that Cosmic Goodness.
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