untangling the knot of resentment

One of the most difficult parts of grief – especially when it is complicated – is the resentment that can take hold in our hearts. 

To look out at the world that has suddenly gone all wrong and find “the cause” is such a normal reaction.  We immediately look for reasons to make sense of what has happened. If we know “the cause” then we can turn our attention to that and avoid the searing inner pain for a little while; we can know the power of being right instead of the devastation of loss; we can see the path ahead of us as a march toward justice, instead of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt of the moment.  But, understandable though it may be, resentment throws up blocks to our healing. . . . no matter how justified it may feel. 

This may sound harsh or, even worse, like a refusal to “do something” about the wrong that has occurred.  But, tempering feelings of resentment doesn’t mean that we do not act if there are important responses to make.  It does, however, mean that we know that our actions are more effective, more honest, when they do not originate out of knee-jerk anger.  

So, what do we do instead ?   How do we manage such normal reactions ?

One way is to simply slow down. . . . although slowing down isn’t simple.  It is more like untangling a knot, one confused turn at a time.  Relaxing helps and limiting the scope of what we take on helps.  Doing what we need to do in order to feel what this loss has created in our hearts and our lives is critical.  Not all at once . . . in small bites . . . with moments of relief and distraction scattered along the way. . . . but, courageously, with time, by confronting the reality of what has happened – anger and all  - we can find the way past the anger.   

By going slowly,  the energy emerges to begin to look at the circumstances that surround loss in all their reality . . . from various perspectives . . . as honestly as possible . . . allowing each question, each injustice, one at a time to fall open.  In this way, step by step, resentment has a chance to be heard, to cool and to transform into an appropriate response, born of honest heartfelt, peace-making intention.