to have a choice

One of my most precious memories of Matt is when he was a senior in high school and opened his second letter of acceptance from a college.   He picked me up off the ground and whirled me around saying, “All right !!!  I have a choice !”  

It always feels empowering to have a choice.  But, when sorrow invades our lives like some immense injustice, we lose that choice for a while.  Instead, we become victims to our own erratic emotions.  That is not wrong or weak, but rather the normal consequence of deep loss.  It feels like we will never feel solid ground again.  But, thankfully, that is not a given. 

Many things go into re-establishing our sense of calm, of living life with purpose again, instead of just trying to stay above the waters of grief.   One healing moment comes almost by surprise.  One day we discover we do have a choice.  After so many weeks and months of being tossed about by feelings, we come to a moment when there emerges a different path.  We realize that we can see what is happening either in the light of loss or choose to see it in a different way.  It feels like someone just turned on a light that we didn’t know was there. . . . our reality is suddenly bigger and wider.  Perhaps another name for this awareness is transformation . . . something new and unexpected unfolds out of something familiar.

And this is healing, not denial, because it doesn’t require forgetting  or pushing memories to the back of our minds.  Not at all.  Instead the newness includes the precious life we still carry. . . . embraces it, honors it and allows it to settle into our living hearts in a warm and peaceful way.

 

I can choose to remember his smile,

          even when I know he suffered.

I can choose to allow myself to experience the delight around me,

          even when my heart is sad.

I can choose to speak his name, to bring his memory into the “now”

          even when his physical presence is gone.