some get it - some don't

A comment that I often hear in our support group conversations is “Well, he just ‘gets it , so I don’t have to explain.”  or  “It is so hard because as close as we’ve always been, she just doesn’t get it about this.”   Every grieving parent I have ever met  encounters similar reactions from friends and family.  And clearly one of the reasons that a support group feels so safe is because it is a room full of people who do “get it”.  And, as one woman put it, “They don’t squirm when I talk.”   

So what is the difference ?  Here are some of the responses I’ve heard about those who seem to understand, whether they have had similar experiences or not:

I can feel at ease around them because they don’t try to tell me what to do.

They let me feel what I feel.

They listen.  As long as I want to talk or cry, they listen.

I feel so crazy most of the time, but they don’t seem to notice.

They call and ask me what is hard about this now.

And here are some of the compassionate comments I hear about those who don’t seem to “get it”:    

They are just afraid that whatever they say will make me sad.  They don’t know they can’t make me sad, I already am.

They are so uncomfortable with my sorrow that they want to fix it.

They simply haven’t felt this way before, so they have no way to understand. 

It isn’t their fault.  They are just trying to help.

I scare them.  I am their living, breathing nightmare.

There is no question that particularly when grief is raw, some people drain our energy and some people help restore it.  So, especially during the most painful times, nurture yourself by limiting the time you spend with people who drain your energy and seek time with those who help you restore it.  Strange as it seems, your compassionate capacity to be with all kinds of people will in time become greater than it has ever been.