living in-between

Today is the last day of this year and tomorrow a new year will begin.  Deep grief makes it hard to turn this page of time.  We live between the feeling that we want this painful year to end and yet, we have no desire to go into a new year without this precious loved one.  So, we are “in between” these two conflicting feelings.  And in some ways, recognizing the “in between-ness” is a way of grasping the very nature of grief. 

I remember realizing when our son died that I could not “not” know what I know.

I know the depth of his struggle and the depth of my sorrow from his physical absence.  But I also know the joy he knew and the joy he brought into our lives.  I know the preciousness of the memories I have and the fact that those memories are completed.  I have them all . . . as I have all the pictures that I will ever have.  I cannot “not” know that.  I know the beauty and joy of this world and I know the utter devastation of loss that can happen.  So, I’m learning to live in between these truths – denying neither one.  

It isn’t easy to learn.  The heart must stretch as we try to live open enough to hold it all.  Peace, I think - rather than being the absence of pain and struggle – is learning to live in between the fullness of both the sadness and the joy of our lives.