"grief journeys are not about closure"

A good friend recently sent me a beautiful article written by a bereaved parent, David Roberts. He lost his adult daughter to cancer in 2002 and writes about what his grief over her death has taught him.  It is a heartfelt story, wisely compassionate and sensitively told.  His closing comment is below and touches on a part of child loss that is significant to all of us.  We are often encouraged by those who mean well to “get past this” or “move on” or “to just put this behind us and get on with life”.  

David J. Roberts ( LMSW, CASAC) writes:

“Our grief journeys are not about closure. They are about adjustment and staying connected. My adjustment to Jeannine’s physical absence has been made easier by the understanding that she continues to guide me in my redefined world. I have also discovered that not everyone will support our continued connections to our children because of their perceptions that grief is a time-limited process. Instead of becoming frustrated, I find individuals and groups who are willing to support my journey.

What I have discovered today is that my grief journey has evolved into this wondrous mix of love, joy, pain, and challenges. Our ability to be totally present in those joyful moments, give and accept love, and learn from the pain and challenges, will determine the quality of our life after loss.”

In my own words . . .

We don’t get past it . . .

we learn to embrace it with our whole heart.

We don’t move on . . .

we are carried by all the love around us.

We don’t get stuck . . .

 we simply pause because this part is harder to absorb.

We don’t put it behind us . . .

we allow it to become part of who we are –

softening us into strength.

We don’t forget . . .

we remember . . .

cherishing the deep gift of this child.

(Please find more of Roberts’ writings at www.bootsy&angel,com)